Back in January, when it was reasonably safe to leave your home or to board a commercial airliner or to travel to a place that isn’t the grocery store, I watched a really delightful movie on board a Delta Air Lines flight. That movie was “Long Shot,” the political romcom starring Charlize Theron and Seth Rogen.
It also features O'Shea Jackson Jr. He plays Lance, best friend to Rogen’s Fred Flarsky. Within the first 15 minutes, Fred loses his job and goes to visit Lance, who has a plan to get his boy fucked up to take his mind off things. He announces to his employees that he’s going “off-grid” for the rest of the day, and gives his office the day off, too.
Then something happened. Right before they hit the streets in search of debauchery Lance tells his assistant, “I need two cans of the Pamplemousse LaCroix. I need that filled with Johnnie Walker Blue and CBD oil.”
O’Shea Jackson Jr. in “Long Shot”
Face with Open Mouth emoji.
Reader, I’m here to tell you that when I heard those words I leaned forward in my Comfort+® seat and loudly whispered, “Holy shit.” I even looked at the guy sitting next to me and did that thing where you point sideways and let out an incredulous half-laugh as if to say, “Can you believe that?”
My thoughts were threefold, and came to me precisely in this order: 1) That’s brilliant; 2) That can’t taste good; 3) I have to try it.
Now, I’m not the biggest fan of the Pamplemousse LaCroix. (I’m more of a Pure or Lemon kinda guy, but I’ll reach for a Pamp from time to time.) And Scotch is definitely not my jam. Never has been. Never will be. (If I’m gonna hit the hard stuff, give me some bourbon or some tequila.) And I’ve never tried CBD oil. (It lives at the intersection of Useless Street and Malarkey Avenue in my mind.)
But my love of drinking on public streets is well documented. And I’m a huge admirer of off-the-wall alcohol combinations. And I’m always down to try something new.
I checked to see if anyone else on the internet had tried making it or posted a recipe for it or anything. No luck. At this point I felt personally responsible to give it a go. If not me, who?
The first thing I realized is that Johnnie Walker Blue Label is expensive. Stupid expensive. But I guess you pay a premium for a so-called “unrivaled masterpiece.” A visit to my local liquor store taught me that a 750mL bottle runs $230. A quick in-store Google search yielded cheaper options, but nothing under $160. I love you all but I’m not going to spend that much money just to entertain you heathens.
So I asked my guy Dave behind the counter if JWB comes in any smaller bottles. He checked his computer, and turned out it does. A 200mL bottle is available as part of a four-bottle Johnnie Walker Collection Set that retails for $120. A better deal, but less than helpful.
But it also comes in little 50mL “airplane”-sized bottles. 20 bucks a pop, which, wow, weird flex John, but OK, sure. This way I won’t have a half bottle of this stuff sitting unused on my bar for years. Three tiny bottles, an eight-pack of Pamplemousse, and I was out the door.
(I just wanted to note here, quickly, that each 50mL bottle comes in its own over-the-top gilded blue box. You can tell that it’s aspiring to be finely crafted like those iPhone boxes that give you the incredibly satisfying reverse-force suction when you go to open them. It’s just not that nice. But I’m sure they cost a pretty penny and drive up the price of each tiny little bottle.)
As for the CBD oil, well, I don’t know shit about fuck. Nada. So I consulted a couple friends who are into that sorta thing. Or so I thought. One was very helpful and told me what to look for and what to avoid and gave me some recommendations. The other savagely trolled me via subtweet and followed up later in my DMs. I ordered some online and a little vial showed up on my doorstep a few days later.
In the movie, Lance doesn’t give any indication as to how much of anything remains in, or gets added to, the can. All he says is “filled with.” I have no clue if that means completely emptied and fully refilled. I don’t know if that means partially emptied and topped off. I don’t know anything, really, which is actually part of the fun here.
I had three mini-bottles, so I could try it three different ways, and I made a plan that would unfold over three nights. Each night, I’d add one entire mini-bottle (~1.69 oz) of Johnnie Walker Blue Label to a can of Pamplemousse LaCroix with a decreasing volume of liquid each night. Night one: 6oz. Night two: 3oz. Night three: 0oz—a freshly opened and completely emptied can.
As for the CBD oil, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. I consulted the literature that came with the vial, which suggested noobs like me should begin with a small dose, or one-third of a dropper (10mg). The night before the first trial I put 20mg under my tongue and never really felt much. At some point in the evening I think I noticed the muscles in my forearms loosen, but that also could’ve been on account of all the beer I consumed. I decided to put a full dropper (30mg) into each of the four cans.
Here’s how it went:
Night One: 6oz PLC / 50mL JWB / 30mg CBD
First Impression: Nope. Tastes like if you pulled a moldy-ass grapefruit out of still-warm campfire ashes and bit into it like an apple. Too many competing flavors. Too much chaos.
After A Bit: Decidedly not great. Imagine seeing a light at the end of a mile-long paper towel tube and that’s the amount of promise this mix has.
Final Thought: I would never actively choose this for myself, but if I had to choose between this and a mostly-drunk cigarette-laden paloma that was fished out of a restaurant’s bus tub, I’d choose this.
Night Two: 3oz PLC / 50mL JWB / 30mg CBD
First Impression: Miles better than the first one. There are some distinct flavors. The citrus cuts the peatiness. Get a whisper of hemp coming through.
After A Bit: Not bad. I could see somebody who’s proficient at mixing drinks adding some ingredients, tweaking some ratios, and turning this into a “Bad News Bears”-style winner.
Final Thought: It wouldn’t be my top choice to order at a bar, but if somebody bought me one I wouldn’t feel compelled to cause them bodily harm.
Night Three: 0oz PLC / 50mL JWB / 30mg CBD
First Impression: Not for me. But I knew that going in. It’s like the spirit of the Pamplemousse has been exorcised from the can. Or like it never even existed in the first place.
After A Bit: Still no. The “elusive quality, character and flavor” that make JWB so expensive can, by all means, elude me from here on out.
Final Thought: I like Scotch about as much as I like most Scotch drinkers. In my mind, a decent one is even rarer than this liquid is supposed to be. But you can find a good one if you look hard enough.
So what did I learn from all this? I don’t really know.
I know that I was really excited heading into it. I know that by the end of it, I was very much over it. I know that I had some fun along the way. I know that I went in with the best of intentions and it turned out that none of the options were 100% for me. But I did a little research, found the one I could stomach the most, got behind it, and now I’m telling all of you about it. And that’s really all any of us can do.
Since next Tuesday isn’t yet a federal holiday, I encourage all of you to follow Lance’s lead, take the day off, be kind to your friends, and get fucked up. And if you haven’t already, please vote. Regardless of what the polls say, saving this democracy is still a long shot.
